The first week of January I found myself questioning all the things, and feeling this maddening, indivisible pressure to have my life goals and plans written out in a thousand page diary.
Oh the pressure of a new year.
You see, I have all these amazing changes I want to make, and so my wheels start to spin. Then I see something else I’d love to do… and jump on that train too. Before I knew it, my mind was spinning faster than a carnival ride, yet my spirit and body couldn’t quite make sense of what to do next.
As each day flew by, I still didn’t know what I wanted to pursue most. What my purpose in life is, and where my true passions lie. So I stayed in bed, sat on the couch, looked at Pinterest, and did nothing. Feeling the weight of each day compound into a massive shit storm in my heart.
Do I keep pursuing more of Alpine Baby Co, expanding clothing lines, and hiring other help?
Do I pursue my real passion for photography, although the local market is already highly saturated, and professional photographers undervalued.
Do I blog more, and document our days of desired slow living, and maintain our eco-friendly mindset?!
One thing I knew for certain was that I cannot do everything at an exceptional standard anymore.
Opportunity cost, opportunity lost. My children & husband have been paying the piper for far too long with commitments I had said “Yes” to, only out of need to help others… not to mention I can’t think straight anymore.
Side Note: I recently read “Present Over Perfect” by Shauna Niequist, and it changed my life… I highly recommend this book to anyone feeling strung out, but stuck in a cycle of busy.
I should also add that during the holiday season, I was so into doing it ALL that I literally forgot to take my depression meds… which I’ve been honestly suffering for during the past few weeks. I don’t get sad, I just feel like I have no purpose – and that is CLEARLY false to any sane person.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t put into words what I was feeling because of my condition. An Instagram friend of mine had once wrote about how she hadn’t been posting much lately, because every time she tried to write a caption – she was literally speechless.
That’s exactly how I feel when I’m in the depression fog… and here it was… FINALLY a new year, and I couldn’t get out of this hole.
So I started taking meds again, but they take a while to build in your system. I kept going about my days, taking each task as it came… and pretty soon I noticed something.
Here I was, looking at the short term or immediate visuals in my day – and NOT noticing the perfectly placed silver linings (which only required a small change in vision) God had painted for me.
Take a look…
I was hand washing the girls knits, and upfront this looked like a chore. An immediate ugh that took away from the fun things I wanted to do during the day.
There’s my silver lining. A beautiful reflection of a healthy, vibrant green plant in my window sill… right through the muddy water.
Stuck in the truck with the kiddos, while Ry cuts down a tree. No cell service.
The beauty of the outdoors reflecting off of my phone. God telling me to put my distractions away, and open my eyes to the everyday goodness He’s placed before me.
All it took was a small change in perspective, to turn my entire day around.
Friends, if you struggling with a circumstance, with a frustration, or with yourself… look around you and CHOOSE to see the light. I was stuck in a fog because I dwelled on it, on things that I could only touch with my hands – not the beauty around which I could see with my mind.
Whatever you FOCUS on, is what you’ll see.
Strive for the bigger picture, the long-term goals. Give yourself legitimate amounts of time to reach your dreams, not just overnight successes. Make a list each day of FIVE things you’re thankful for, and realign yourself with the beauty around you. It’s waiting there for you…
magic in the darkness.